Temporarily out of order

I visited my therapist and doctor this week, both agreed that I can handle this without medication in about a month. I didn’t really want to do the SSRIs because of my past three suicide attempts while on them. Prozack had been my first ever suicidal thought in my life, while Zoloft actually made me crave suicide and I had flash dreams of how I would hang myself from the balcony of my apartment, slit my  arteries and bleed out, and also how I would just take a whole bunch of pills. Not only did the SSRIs not work, they made me dissociate, I didn’t know who I was and started to lose control of my bladder/bowels. The SSRIs don’t work for some people, I am one of those. My doctor agreed to use Benzos, if I agreed to only use them when having a panic episode. I have been trying to hold off to the point of my wife telling me to take them. I had a 6 hour panic attack on Tuesday and it wasn’t fun. My therapist told me if I am hitting myself with blunt objects, it is time to give in and take the benzo. I haven’t had an episode since Wednesday and guess what, I facilitated my first group in my new city! I was so proud of myself. Fuck the haters, fuck the bullies and keep on trying. I love everyone who reads and please if you need to get in contact with me do.

Update: Better Blogging

Colorful Asylum is going to be working on the following features:

– Personal Blog for myself and others who want to share their experiences with mental health, healthcare or the other struggles in life.

– Import old blog posts: If you have old blog posts elsewhere, let me know and I can import them here! (I did it for myself and it worked wonderful).

– More customization, greater control over tags, catagories.

– Co-Authoring posts will be a thing, that way if we write a kick ass article, we can publish it. For example, I’d like to do a medication vs therapy article with both sides writing for and against it later on.

If you have any ideas or are interested in blogging seek me out, you can even call me. Registration for new users is closed at the moment but everyones accounts are reopen except for a few that bullied Ashley and I the past two months.

Positives

Here are a list of positives going on in my life. I look back on the past two months of my blog posts and over half of them have been negative. So in an effort to take back my life and my feelings, I present you with positive things I have done or have happened since moving to my new apartment.

  • Being closer to my Dad.
  • Being able to explore a new city, which is great.
  • Exploring the polyamorous community in this city and learning about their feelings and thoughts on relationships.
  • Finding out my landlord hates Donald Trump, she has a pretty funny anti-Trump magnet on her fridge.
  • Joining the local atheist club and being invited to an atheist comedy open mic night later this summer.
  • Being able to reflect on my life and feeling okay.
  • Being able to slow down in conversations and listen to the other person speaking, in an attempt to better control myself in hard situations.
  • Finding a gluten-free section in the store next to my apartment!

New Life

Now that I am beginning my new life and can finally put my past behind me without constant reminders of my two months of hell, the worst two months of my life, I can move on. Speaking to women is easier than before, so I guess I did get something positive out of the last year and a half of my life. Also finding that my college education has put me into a different category, which is good. My self-esteem is gaining and I just don’t give a fuck about what people think of me anymore. I don’t have to worry about being accused of things that never happened and I don’t have to live in constant fear of being harassed in my apartment anymore. It is just me, myself and I. I will rebuild into a stronger Thomas. Thomas 2.0 will be better and will not put up with shit any longer. I am shopping around for a therapist, doctor and group therapy in my new town. I can benefit from talking to someone about what happened and maybe be able to set some new boundaries, instead of allowing people to abuse my kindness. About one-hundred people abused me financially this year, only to show their true colors after my kindness. I need to set boundaries and only befriend people who are willing to be my friend with no strings attached. This, “I will be your friend or like you if you spend money on me”, routine is getting old. I will buy dinner one night, if you buy dinner the next night is acceptable. I will give someone a ride if they are willing to pitch in somehow. I had friends like this in my town but, I had to move on. Time to find more real friends, instead of faux friends who will leave when they don’t have a use for me any longer. Once my fake friends found out I needed help, they abandoned me for someone cooler. My new life will only allow for real friends, real friends who took me to a hot tub the day I got released from IP, real friends who helped me move out of my apartment, real friends who drove me 200 miles to a hospital to go IP instead of lying to get me committed, real friends who have asked me how I’m doing instead of how much I can give them, real friends who fight with me over who pays dinner, real friends who I bring out for their birthday dinner, real friends who hugged me when I was feeling suicidal and recommended that I just try to lift myself up. My real friends never laugh at me because of my cerebral palsy, my real friends don’t laugh at me and ask that I kill myself. My real friends call me, to check in with me. I also return the favor when my real friends’ are having a hard time. Real friends love me more than what I thought were my friends, but they posed. Fuck that, moving on! This is also my personal blog, if you don’t like what I write on here, get over yourself and piss off. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t owe anyone a damn thing and as far as I am concerned, most of the people who read my blog are angry women who have daddy issues. Piss off and let me live my life.

Officially Evicted.

They came to my apartment today and evicted me. I am now homeless for the first time in my adult life due to discrimination due to my mental illness. Discrimination is real, even those with mental illness discriminate towards each other. Having mental problems does not mean that you should be homeless, or does it?