I visited my therapist and doctor this week, both agreed that I can handle this without medication in about a month. I didn’t really want to do the SSRIs because of my past three suicide attempts while on them. Prozack had been my first ever suicidal thought in my life, while Zoloft actually made me crave suicide and I had flash dreams of how I would hang myself from the balcony of my apartment, slit my arteries and bleed out, and also how I would just take a whole bunch of pills. Not only did the SSRIs not work, they made me dissociate, I didn’t know who I was and started to lose control of my bladder/bowels. The SSRIs don’t work for some people, I am one of those. My doctor agreed to use Benzos, if I agreed to only use them when having a panic episode. I have been trying to hold off to the point of my wife telling me to take them. I had a 6 hour panic attack on Tuesday and it wasn’t fun. My therapist told me if I am hitting myself with blunt objects, it is time to give in and take the benzo. I haven’t had an episode since Wednesday and guess what, I facilitated my first group in my new city! I was so proud of myself. Fuck the haters, fuck the bullies and keep on trying. I love everyone who reads and please if you need to get in contact with me do.
– Colorful Asylum