I have been lately in a fog, a fog that isn’t in my control, yet it seems like everyone blames me for the things that are out of my control. Feeling like this is common with depersonalization and I am now learning to what extent it happens. Depersonalization happens a lot with people hiding their mental health symptoms, yet we blame them when they use outlets such as; drugs, alcohol, sex, and other coping mechanisms to mask over the past trauma that has unfolded for them. I detach, to a point, where I don’t even believe that I am alive anymore, which adds fuel to the fire when I am suicidal. If you don’t believe that you have a purpose or are living in a fantasy reality, it is easy to see how one might eventually succeed in a suicide attempt or just give up the will to live.
A friend of mine once said, that if he got a terminal illness he wouldn’t fight it and just allow it to take over, killing him. Similar to my situation, if it happens, it happens. The deep dark secret is that right now my reality seems like some fucked up reversed twisted reality that someone is writing a book. My life feels like a Game of Thrones episode, because so many people leave my life, it feels like a death because they cut off contact. Family cuts off, friends cut off. Drinking alcohol helps, but it isn’t a good coping mechanism. Benzos help but aren’t a good coping mechanism. So I am left with a short stick and hopes of one day regaining the feeling of living again.