Eight New Feelings Since Mom Died(Updated 02-2018)

**Update** Now and again I like to go back on posts that I had done before and reflect on what it is that I had said in those posts, to keep myself honest about how I really feel about how things are going in life. In the past, I have found that I have changed my perception of what has happened with life. It used to be 5 new feeling, but I am upping it to eight. Let’s get started with the prologue that I used.

-Tom

I have have had a deep and sometimes dark understanding that I will one day figure out during my quest in life. I am 28 now but there are a lot of topics in life that I still need to research. There are new emotions that were somewhat blocked when depressed and suicidal, but now I am not as depressed anymore because my mom’s six-year struggle with cancer is over as she passed on in the summer of 2015. Feelings that I would have balked at in the past are becoming a new reality, I originally included; companionship,  success, satisfaction while working, political-fire, and feeling like an ass. As of 2018, three years later I have found that disappointment, resilience and radical acceptance have become more emotional for me. Let’s look at some of the eight emotional items, shall we…

Success – When I have the successes I don’t go back and think about this evil thought that pops into my head of “what if I did better”, now I can just bask in the feeling of those successes in my life that have merit. I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside and I feel like I am riding on cloud 9 when I succeed in something I put effort into. In December of 2017, I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree!

Working Satisfaction – Throughout my whole adult life I had always struggled with liking work until I found my purpose in life. Now when I am working I really just feel good about it, I feel like I am accomplishing what I need to do while doing my job. I am not afraid to ask for help and I am not afraid to give out advice. Right now I am networking with people and trying to get my foot in the door in some sort of industry, wish me luck!

Political-fire – For better or for worse I am more engaged in political discussion. I am more willing to tell people my opinions rather than a scripted political response to everything. As a Democratic-socialist atheist pacifist, I believe in taking care of people. Recently I had been the chair of a county Dem party and have been active in Atheist groups.

Companionship – Has replaced my sexual personality, which means that I just don’t value sex as much as loyalty and love. When I was with my ex-wife, I didn’t view her as a sexual object but as a friend. I hope in the future that people can understand that warm feeling of love.

Feeling like an ass – Oh yes this new feeling is much worse than actually being depressed or feeling pain inside. Because of morality, when I say or do something that is bad or evil i feel a sense of feeling like an asshole when I do something. It is immediately ensuing, like 2-3 seconds after the action I feel a deep regret and I really don’t forgive myself or forget being a jester. There have also been times when miscommunication has gotten me into hot water.

Disappointment – I have learned being married to a person with a mental disorder can bring disappointments and failures. That is okay because in the future I will try to manage this feeling of disappointment with reality.

Resilience – Resilience has taught me that if I fail it is okay, this is why I gave my ex-wife multiple chances even though we went against the odds. 90% of bipolar relationships end in divorce, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t try to be part of that 10%! I am proud of that resilience that we had.

Radical Acceptance – This is a brand new emotion for me as of January of 2018, I had begun to allow people to control my life, but then I realized that there are things that I cannot control. I cannot control other drivers, I cannot control my ex-wives mental illness, but I can be compliant with my own treatment options, instead of allowing others to make those decisions.

With this new update, I can tell you that these eight emotions or feelings are newly identified by myself, but I need to keep trying to enjoy my life while identifying them more. I originally posted this on my blog on Crazyboards but have since updated it 2-3 times to reflect my current feelings towards this. I was 25 at the original post and can reflect back upon this as a time that I wasn’t ready for the abuses to come. The last three points are things I am working with my abusive relationship coming to an end and will not deviate from the resilience and radical acceptance. Thanks for reading,

– Tom

Warm regards,

– Tommi Asylum