There was so much panic that was going on inside of my head and then I realized that my mother had passed away about two years ago. There was a scheduled appointment for me two years to the day that she had gone into a permanent coma. I had also listened to a song that I latched onto during that time and burst out into a hard cry. My stomach had been sour all day due to side effects and when it hit me, it hit me like a train. It was a good thing I had my wife’s shoulder to cry on or I wouldn’t have made it through that moment without doing something stupid. Cerebral Palsy kept me down for all those years, but my mother had kept me motivated for all those years.
I take pride in those caregivers, mothers, fathers and healthcare workers who actually try to empower humans with any sort of condition be in physical or mental. The sucky thing is I have to live with both mental and physical illnesses. I had overcome the Cerebral Palsy, but this mental illness is new. I was diagnosed in 2013 with OCD, then it was Schizophrenia, then it was Schizoaffective, then it was depression due to my mother dying, bipolar, psychosis, mood swings, anger issues, anxiety and then on top of it all in 2015 they claimed I was faking a mental illness, which is technically a mental illness.
This past year I got diagnosed with Chronic Depressive Disorder, which I looked up and guess what, I have none of the symptoms. They taught mindfulness in my groups at the psychiatric hospital I was staying at in mid-May. The kind of hurt it felt like was very hard. There are things I miss being able to do without people watching over me. There is nothing I really can do about it, other than wait to see what will happen to me. I do apologize for going off on a tangent, but I really do hope that one day I will eventually end up succeeding where I have failed myself the most. In loving myself more than I give myself credit for.
– Tommi Asylum