Trigger warning: Please don’t read if you are easily offended or have had ideations in the past.
Lately I have been thinking about suicide in ways that I have never thought I’d think of. There have been days when I have flashes of an action again. I’d love to tell all about the flashes of thoughts, the flashes of time and I plan on doing just that. Ever since my ex decided it was okay to hit me so hard it triggered a concussion, I have been getting worse with my obsessive thoughts around death.
Suicide isn’t a fun topic to be blogging about, I don’t have a plan but I keep having visions and thoughts of what would happen. I have vivid thoughts of jumping off of a bridge near twin falls, Idaho. I have vivid thoughts of driving my car off of a canyon in Montana. I don’t ever want to own a gun because multiple thoughts involve me shooting my brains out, covering the walls with my brain matter. I keep thinking about slitting my neck somehow and it just keeps building. I was fearful of my wife, but that fear has turned into ideations. Every day in March has been a struggle, I have made videos where I put on the happy face, yet there isn’t a minute that passes where I want to just go to bed and not wake up.
I know that some of you will read this and worry for my safety or my general welfare, don’t. These are Obsessive-Compulsive thoughts that are manifested by my deep dark side. I really want to be perfect, this is also part of the OCD. I want to be in control and not make any sort of mistakes – also part of the OCD.
I will leave my friends with this; I plan on calling the clinic this morning and talking to someone. I am not doing well but I need to focus on graduate school and work until my divorce comes to a conclusion and this new evil that sparked up yesterday dies down. I might even stop leaving my apartment, as every time I do a woman hurts me. It happens over and over again, I am the nice guy who gets physically and emotionally hurt because he is willing to listen and to be manipulated. I let them talk to me about my issues but when it comes my turn, I get stomped out.
There are two very special women that have been helping me in my life. Both have been upset with me over the past couple of days. Even though I am at the graduate level the social skills, the feelings are not coming back. I am numb when I hug women now, I am numb when I try to hangout with the opposite sex now and I am scared of being killed, which is yet another one of my OCD related. I am scared I am not trying hard enough, I am scared that I am not pleasing them. I am scared that I have let my own brain and compulsions ruin a friendship that was very special to me. I can’t keep living like this…
– Colorful Asylum