TRIGGER WARNING: for those who have been through domestic violence or PTSD before.
I was so scared
I wanted to share and document the fact that I did see my wife driving, while I was heading to my new job this morning. Nothing really happened, I wanted to give her the finger so badly this morning that I struggled. I had major flashbacks this morning of her hitting me, throwing me up against the refrigerator and throwing our cat against the walls during her fits of rage again. I felt isolated because she took my support groups away, I felt isolated because she burned so many friendships and bonds that I have made in the past and I felt violated.
There will come a time when my wife is able to realize what she has done, what she destroyed and how badly she hurt me when domestically assaulting me over the course of the past year. My wife prior to last spring was a wonderful woman but then she hit me, blamed her meds. She hit me and blamed her mental illness. Kicked the service animal and blamed stress and told me she was sorry. Throws her cell phone against the wall and makes me buy her a new one. Breaks her phone case and makes me get a new one. Runs up the credit cards and promises to pay with her student loans, skips out of paying and leaves me to have to beg my land lord not to evict me three times.
She spreads rumors about how violent I am, she tells them that I twisted her arm, the same story she used last fall and spring. The same arm, the same spot but lacks evidence. Anytime I bring her to court she willfully lies to the judge and tells them that I am pending charges for domestic violence, which is another lie. She lies, her whole life is a lie, she has a guardian, which I conveniently found out about post-marriage. Was I harboring a run-away mental patient for two years? She lies about so much, it wouldn’t surprise me that she probably has done this to other men in the past, but someone with my condition makes it much harder to recover from.
Moving On Has Been Hard
She has wailed on me in the past, I have had friends tell me that it is convenient that one day she told them that I had fell in the bathroom after my concussion but I remember her punching me in the face hard enough to cause my ears to ring. She was right when she said that we were in a toxic relationship and now that I am out of it, I am not afraid anymore.
I can actually leave my apartment without fear of coming back to find my wife dead, the cats dead or even worse come home to find her in a delusional episode ready to kill me. Good riddance, also it saddens me that she keeps tabs on me through friends and I would feel comfortable that she stops asking them about if I am going to go to a support group in another town or not so she could go. That is breaking our protective order and quite frankly I don’t want her to know, because she may kill me.
After the divorce is finalized I want nothing to do with her, because deep down, she took my innocence away, she took the loving husband and threw him up against the fridge and beat him. I am now so jumpy that even a door being slammed makes me jump.
I have cried myself to sleep so many times and if you have been reading my blog since last year you’d know that she has been horrible. In the old chatroom people would ask me why I stayed. People would tell me that it was best if we separated. People would tell me that she wasn’t worth it. They were right and I am sorry that I doubted your advice. She hurt me and I will never forgive her for what she has done to me, ever.
Finally, there is another issue I’d like to ask her friends to stop harassing me about. My after-dating life is none of my wife’s business due to the fact that we are legally separated via protection order which I filed. She has had friends send nasty texts about how I am dating again, shame on me for not standing by until after the divorce. I have moved on, my love for Ashley left the day she looked me in the eyes at the court hearing and told the judge bold faced lies again to cover her problems up.
I tried getting her help, but she refused it. She would always find a way out of seeking treatment for her substance abuse issues, she has an addiction to drugs and needs help. Once the divorce finalizes, I will call the cops if she tries to come near me. I will go to the protective order hearing next year and ask for it to be permanent. I do not want to die, I do not want to be hit, I do not want her to hurt me again. The thought of her hurting me scares me.
Please, if you are in a toxic relationship ever, leave it or you’ll end up emotionally scar’d like me.
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