Lately it has been harder and harder to post to the blog because I haven’t been able to muster up the content or the rational thought to put together a post. It is like I have it a writer’s block that is reserved for a novel or something. This is another thing I am slowly trying to think about too. Which is why I may be writing a book! With grad school and trying to work on a relationship with my girlfriend it is hard. Also, trying to keep myself financially stable and trying to figure out this new job I have. Advocating for mental health in my community is another, so I find it harder and harder to write posts. This is why I am going to probably be doing more videos in the near future.
Yes, I have been doing more journaling during this time in my new journal. There is a wish of mine to share it all with you, but there is a lot of unsharable info. Maybe I can post pics of my favorite parts, redacted. I could share more experiences about incontinence or review some things. I have also been diagnosed with a weak-positive from my doctor with a gluten intolerance. This time I have the blood work to back up the diagnosis. My doc told me to not eat gluten for about a month and thus far a week in it has been doing better. Posts like this have been cut down since March and it may be because of grad school. I have been using my journal to document it instead of a gluten blog, which I could do.
There is hope for me out there. Maybe I need to start posting more Spotify playlists? I have been doing those again! A friend unblocked me recently and it really has made life a little more interesting. I really enjoy our conversations but sometimes we breakdown like our falling out last spring. It isn’t intentional but we both are highly stressed and we suck at communication. I’d like to have a perfect world where we go back to not hating each other. We were such great friends before we like liked each other and then we fell out. It is the story of my life, I am sexy when a person likes me. As soon as we fight or have a disagreement on things, they quickly resent me.
If there is really a God out there, why does it happen to us humans? Is there an answer to this question or will I need to be struck by the light. One day I want to have babies, the next day I want to not have kids ever. Am I finally cracking, is this brain finally going to finish me like some madman I am. Don’t worry, don’t raise the alarm bells, I am not in a crisis right now. My suicidal ideations have not come to fruition this year. I am proud of that, I don’t want to die. Being proud of not wanting to die? Is this a good sign or am I candy coating deeper stuff? Do I have what it takes or am I just climbing a mountain of lies? Who is there to judge that but me? Sorry for all the hard hitting questions, until next time…
– Tommi Asylum