I’ve been in a fog lately that isn’t in my control. It seems like I am blaming others for things outside of my control or even theirs. The feeling that I am outside of my own body is new to me. That doesn’t mean that we have to give up either. Feeling like this is common with depersonalization. It helps me learn to what extent it happens daily. Depersonalization happens a lot with people hiding their mental health symptoms,. Society blames us when we use self-medicating outlets such as; drugs, alcohol, sex, and other coping mechanisms. We use those to mask over the past traumas that create anger.
I detach to a point where I don’t even believe that I am alive anymore. This adds fuel to the fire when I am having suicidal ideations. If you don’t believe that you have a purpose or are living in a fantasy reality; it is easy to see how one might eventually succeed in a suicide attempt or just give up the will to live. There is light at the end of this tunnel. we must work to live. Having been in this situation for most of my adult life I can say that we must allow ourselves to have bad days and look forward to good days.
Overcast Days Ahead:
A friend of mine once said, that if he got a terminal illness he wouldn’t fight it and just allow it to take over, killing him. It is sad that it is a reality for some of us, that our will to live is masked by this evil. The mask is only triggered by the fact that we have so much stigma surrounding talking about mental health issues. The deep dark secret is that right now my reality seems like some fucked up reversed twisted reality that someone is writing a book. My life feels like a Game of Thrones episode, because so many people leave my life, it feels like a death because they cut off contact. Family cuts off, friends cut off. So I am left with a short stick and hopes of one day regaining the feeling of living again.
– Colorful Asylum